Mother and child. Photo: viewlala.com
I am here. I am healthy. I am alive.
The doctor had just told me that my case was terminal. It was Cancer… Stage 4 and I had three months to live.
I was dazed! Dazed into a daze. It seemed like my future was sealed. I felt lonely. I felt hopeless. I felt lost. I was going to die…..and there was nothing I could do about it.
I walked home slowly, I could barely see the faces of people as they streamed passed me. The cacophony of sounds from voices, motor engines and blaring horns all seemed far away…..muffled…as if they were all in another dimension.
I began to quiver as I slowly trudged home, in just the space of a few minutes, my eyes had sunk into their sockets. I couldn’t see it….I could feel it….I just knew. And I said to myself….”the cold hands of death….is this what you feel like?”
Tears came unbidden into my eyes. They streamed down my face and I let them flow. I felt the bile rise up from inside my tummy and i puked on the curb.
“Ma’am are you ok?” A certain stranger asked me.
I waved him away, nodding my head as if all was well, he looked at me for a few seconds and then he left, after all, there was nothing he could do for me.
I got home, curled up in bed and cried my heart out. I cried for myself, my family, my friends. I cried for my present and I cried for my future. I cried for dreams unfulfilled and I cried for sweet life yet to be lived. Death had come for me and it was going to take me.
A month had passed and I had lived like a hermit. Barely eating. Always crying And crying myself to sleep. On this day, I do not know how long I had slept for it seemed I had cried myself to sleep which had become a norm, I awoke with a banging headache and with a chill. It wasn’t a chill born of the weather….It was the chill of death making its way within me, occupying my very essence, making its abode in me until I ceased to exits in three months time. I lay on my back starring up at the ceiling and after a while I began to stare into nothingness. I looked to my right, the desk lamp was turned low, and a book I’d only began to read, The Anatomy Of The Scriptures by Reigner Davies lay there. I’d only read a page of it. I looked at the curtains, it was beautiful…a gift from Jake when I had moved into this house. My eyes wandered forward to my closet which was slightly ajar and I remembered all the new and fine clothing’s I had bought which were all in there. I remembered how excited I had been buying them and how I couldn’t wait to wear them. It’s a pity I wouldn’t be needing any of them now. I was going to die innit? I saw my sneakers peeking out…looking at me as if it sensed my pain and I laughed…..well.. It was more of a cackle for my throat was parched. Even my shoe knew I was going to die.
How do I live? I didn’t want to die, I wanted so much to live. It’s been a month and I’d wallowed so much in my grief…forgetting my friend, the one who had always been with me. The one who never left me. The holy spirit.
On this day, He said to me “freshen up and take a stroll”
“Take a stroll? Pal, do you realize I’m about to die and you want me to take a stroll? What good would that do me?
“Take a stroll. What good has wallowing in your misery done you?” Take a stroll he said
You see…he was my dearest friend and he loved me so much. As much as I didn’t want to go out, I somehow managed to. it was winter you see, and so I was bundled up in my warm clothing. Coats, mitts and all…the whole nine yard.